


The One Thing You Can’t Run From

by WeirdWriter11



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Awesome Trio (Hetalia), Child Abuse, Denmark is precious, F/F, F/M, Fanfic, Gay, Hetalia, Hetalia Countries Using Human Names, I was drunk while writing most of the chapters so if they’re so bad please bear with me, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Character Death, Please don’t let this fandom die, Slow Burn, Some bad attempts at recreating history, Strong Language, Triggers, abused, english is not my first language, forced relationships - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:27:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 17,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23575375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeirdWriter11/pseuds/WeirdWriter11
Summary: [AU WHERE NEARLY ALL THE ANCIENTS DON’T EXIST AND ARE REPLACED WITH SOME MADE UP CHARACTERS]What if the current nations weren’t the first ones? What if that role was passed down to them by their parental figures? What if at the start of their lives they had a short time to be children and train for their future role? Must be fun... Right?...Denmark has spend centuries on end running from his past, running from the TRUTH. Running from the explanation to all his actions. Something no one else knows is that... He didn’t have a childhood like the others... He wasn’t with the other nordics from the start, he wasn’t meant to be like them from the START.But, one day the worst thing Mathias could’ve ever imagined happens. The ancient spirits of the deceased former nations trap them all in a huge mansion together, with one difficult task... To learn about the other’s pasts...Mostly POV of Denmark
Relationships: England/France (Hetalia), Hong Kong/Iceland (Hetalia), Read to find out ;) (aka probably a bunch of crack ships)
Comments: 50
Kudos: 62





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic

I am aware that there are already people like Rome in Hetalia

But my drunk ass apparently forgot that while writing this xD

I had planned like Denmark’s dad was Denmark before him and his mother was Scandinavia 

Thank you Puffin for helping me notice my mistake! This is supposed to be kinda like an au but also still following the canon hetalia. So perhaps I’ll use some of the canon characters as the ancestors? 

That’s what I get for writing my first fanfic while sad-drunk and not going through it while sober before posting xD

In this au thing I think I also planned at around age 30 the nation’s bodies stops growing and stays like that and the reason they usually take over their ancestor’s job when the ancestor has died(not often) or retired


	2. Prologue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally startingggggg
> 
> I’m too bored in quarantine

**No one’s POV**

  
With tense shoulders, _that no one else noticed,_ Denmark or if you wish _Mathias_ watched as the other nations finally flooded out the door of his house. The world meeting this month had been held in Copenhagen, making him the host. He’d done a pretty good job but he could feel _it_ building up in his Th fiat throughout the whole meeting.   
  


Nothing out of the ordinary had happened, America rambling about his ideas, a few nations had started fighting, Germany having to break it up and so the meeting continued. No it was _him_ that was the problem. 

_It_ finally happened and he put his hand hopelessly over his mouth, a gag coming from the back of his throat. He hurried to the bathrooms as his legs were slowly stumbling more and more. Finally, he made it and quickly fell down to his knees and removed the hand over his mouth. Even his gravity defying hair dropped slightly as he coughed into the toilet, a substance that looked to be blood flood from his throat and out of his mouth. All he could do was helplessly grab at the toilet seat while waiting for the pain to be other. _It felt like his body was burning from the inside, while also feeling like he was being frozen to death on the outside._

Tears managed to escape, entering the corners of his sky blue eyes who were struggling to stay open.   
  


_All of the dane’s floors were black, all his house was always heavily smelling like flowers._

**_And no one knew it was to mask the stains and scent of his blood._ **

Finally it stopped, and his throat felt like it was full of sand with how dry it was. He fell down onto the bathroom floor with sweat dripping from his forehead, helplessly curling up into a ball to try and catch a breath.   
  


_Keep breathing_

_Keep breathing_

_Keep breathing_

He closed his eyes shut, tightly. His body was shaking as it couldn’t decide to be hot or cold.

He wasn’t meant to be going through this... He wasn’t meant to be like this... He was meant to be happy... To be around his _family._ He loved the nordics and they were his family... Bur they weren’t the only ones he’s had...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it’s so short xD I swear it’s gonna he much longer when I get to the real plot


	3. Chapter 1. Stuck

**Denmark’s POV**

I was walking down the slippery streets of Copenhagen, _cough cough_ København lyder bedre _cough cough,_ I held my black umbrella over my head, to not ruin the fact that I was having a perfect hair day right when the weather decided to rain heavily. But I would never miss being outside on a perfect rain day like this.

_Yes you heard that right. I, Mathias Køhler the loud and annoying nation of Denmark, likes rain.  
_

I would even say that I _loved_ the rain, it made such calming sounds as it dripped onto my umbrella. It was so calming that no one else was outside. Even if I were to have an ‘ _episode_ ’ no one would be around to witness it. I had no need to raise my voice, I would have no need to act happy or put up a facade. 

_It was just me and the sound of the rain..._

But nothing lasts forever right? I quickly learned that when it almost felt like something hit my head and I dropped my umbrella, feeling the rain hit coldly against my neck and hair, completely ruining my spiky hair and completely drenching me in rain. It felt like I was slipping.

”Av! Hvad fande-“ I was cut off my the weirdest fucking feeling ever.

I swear it felt like the ground disappeared under me and I quickly opened my eyes again, widely. I was no longer in the rainy streets, I was falling down and around me was a wood brown color. In a second I quickly realized I was falling towards the floor of this weird place, and started freaking out.

”AHHHHH. FUCK. FUCKING HELVEDE HVAD FANDEN SKER DER HJÆÆÆÆÆLP-“ I screeched in my voice and _not_ my high pitched one. Surprise... The high pitched voice is not my real one, well it’s become my normal one with how often I use it. But I actually have a more calm and soothing voice, I just don’t use it around others.

With a loud painful thud I fell face first down onto the hard wooden floor, and quickly I could feel my umbrella falling onto the back of my head to add to the pain.   
  


“Mhmm... Hvad I helvedet...” I groaned stumbling up into sit, rubbing the wet hair on the back of my head.

Suddenly my blurry vision cleared and a familiar American jumped in front of me, who apparently seem very happy to see me.

  
“Denny! Took you long enough dude! I almost thought you weren’t gonna be here! _Weird voice crack by the way_ ” Alfred said while crouching down to my level.

I blinked and looked around. “First of all, where in the hell am I?” I said making sure to put on my high pitched voice, having already messed up enough by using my normal voice. Around us was... Everyone??? We were in a big wooden room that almost looked like a living room, but there was a large table in a horseshoe shape that we were in the middle of. Behind me seemed to be a huge screen like thing.

Alfred chuckled nervously. “Ah... We don’t really know to be honest. We all just kinda fell down here like you, you’re kinda the last one” He explained nodding his head towards the table, there sat all the nations. I noticed Finland was hurrying over to me with a relieved expression.   
  


“Tanska! It’s ages since the others and I got here! Do you know what took you so long? It seems we can only go as far outside as the garden!” Tino exclaimed. “You’re drenched!”   
  


I looked down at my wet dripping jacket. “Yep, I was just in Copenhagen when it felt like something hit my head, and the next thing I know I’m falling down here. Are we actually trapped in here? Just like that?” I sighed hopelessly drying my now ruined hair with my hands.   
  


“Took ya long enough” I heard a familiar accented voice say. I turned my head to my Prussian friend, Gilbert.

”Well to be honest if I could’ve not come at all I probably would, being kidnapped fucking hurts” I said and Gilbert chuckled while helping me stand up.

”Langua-!“ Tino was cut off by someone short running past him and jumping towards me.

“Uncle Mathias!” Sealand squeaked excitedly, we only usually see each other once a month and he’s just as excited every time. _Why he’s the best nephew ever._

”Peter! Long time no see, I would ruffle your hair, but your mo-“ I was cut off by being given a soft smack by Tino and I chuckled. “I mean _Finny_ would kill me if I got you wet” 

“But Finland isn’t he technically right? I mean you are kinda like his mo-“ Alfred quickly dodged a smack too.

”I can’t around you three!” Tino grumbled embarrassed. “Peter please go play with Wy while Tanska’s annoying friends can show him his assigned room. It seems someone has packed stuff from our homes and put it in rooms with our names on the doors” Earning a thumbs up from Gilbert and Alfred, who quickly rushed me away from Tino’s wrath.

”Momma bear is leakiiiiing” We giggled to each other. _I couldn’t really ask for better friends._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finallyyyyy


	4. Notice

If you haven’t already read the warnings:

I’m usually on the reader side of fanfictions but, I’ve had the idea for this one for ages and I’m mostly just publishing it to finally finish it.

Denmark will be going through a lot of shit (sorry) 


	5. Chapter 2. Rooms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Awesome Trio Is Best Trio

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok first of all,,,
> 
> It’s one huge thing for me that people have actually been reading this
> 
> BUT WAKING UP TO MY FIRST KUDOS AND THIS KIND OF SUPPORT?! I ALMOST FEEL LIKE IM GONNA HAPPY CRY- LIKE MY STOMACH PHYSICALLY DROPPED

** Denmark’s POV **

We walked up the stairs and up to the second floor. There was a huge hallway with countless doors, which each had two different flags printed onto the door.

”What’s with the flags?” I asked curiously while trying not to drip on literally EVERYTHING.

”Oh ja. We’re still checking if zhe rooms are safe despite having our clothes, but it zeems each room is assigned to the two flags on it” Gilbert explained. “Ludwig was kinda pizzed when he saw that we’ve been assigned together” Pointing at a door with the German and Prussian flag on it.

“Matthew and I have a room together, it’s almost like it was customized for us. Each room has two bedrooms and two bathrooms and there’s FOUR whole floors, fancy as hell if you ask me” Alfred tuned in, pointing at one door which had the American and Canadian flag on it. “To zhe point where all of this is sketchy as hell” Gilbert commenter skeptically.

My flag didn’t seem to be on any of the doors. “Ah there’s another floor with rooms, the other nordics’ flags are up there, so yours probably is too” Alfred said as we walked towards another flights of stairs.

”Does anyone know where the hell we are?” I asked while holding onto the railing while walking up, to not slip on my wet boots. 

“All we know iz thzat Austria was the first one to fall down here, and since morning everyone else haz been coming” Gilbert sighed.

Alfred nodded “But we definitely can’t leave, there’s a garden but the fence is way too thick to break and too high to climb. Everyone’s pets are here too” His eyes suddenly lit up excitedly. “Wait dude! That means your dogs are here too?!”

Gilbert quickly looked over at me with the same excited expression. They both really are really obsessed with my two Great Danes, Bella and Charlie. They definitely were their favorite uncles too.

“They have been treating them right if that’s so” I chuckled. “You know how grumpy they can get”

As expected they quickly ran up the last stairs and hurried looked for my room, completely ignoring my hopeless yells for them to wait up. I walked up the stairs as fast as possible with my slippery boots before finally making it into the hallway, but stopped in my tracks.

”What’s wrong?” I questioned the two, who stood disturbingly still in front of the last door to the right.

I made my way over to them while looking at the doors to my left, there were two flags on each door I walked by, but Finland and Sweden had gotten lucky enough that Sealand was allowed to be in their room. Then there was... Norway and Iceland... Belarus and Ukraine... Wait.

I turned to the door my friends were standing in front of and there it was, _Dannebrog,_ the Danish flag.  _Next to the Russian flag_.

“Sheesh dude that sucks” Alfred chuckled nervously, patting my back. “That dude is terrifying” Gilbert nodded in agreement.

“Buuuuuuuut... Russia was down in zhe living roooooom... Can we still come in?” Gilbert asked with puppy eyes. Iopened my mouth to answer, when a bark suddenly came from the inside. I sighed in defeat and nodded, recognizing the bark.

I opened the door and walked in with Alfred and Gilbert right behind me. Instantly I fell backwards as two heavy weights jumped up onto me, looking up I saw Bella and Charlie whimpering happily and licking my cold wet face. 

“Pfft I can’t breathe- get off me you doofs it’s only been like an hour since I last saw you” I wheezed trying to sit up. “Hey, say hi to your favorite unclesssss” At the word ‘uncles’ they had quickly jumped off me and running towards their new victims to cuddle.

I got up and looked around as they played with the dogs. “What the hell... You weren’t kidding when you said it’s like it was customized...” I mumbled.

_ The floor was painted black and the walls a dark grey,  _ _ there were many flowers around the room. There was one black sofa and two doors that probably led to the bedrooms and bathrooms. _

”Zhe hell is with you and flowers?” Gilbert chuckled while petting Charlie. “And the floors? Dude is there like an emo phase, we need to be worrying about?” Alfred added.

_ I tried my best to not completely tense up at their questions, luckily they would be too focused on the dogs to notice if I did. _

I turned to them with my normal _annoying_ grin. “Hey! I don’t judge your style so don’t judge mine! Flowers are wonderful! I just hope Russia doesn’t mind...” I mumbled pushing down my anxiety.

”If we’re stuck here until night and you need it you can crash in me and Matthew’s room” Alfred said with a thumbs up.

I nodded and opened the door to the left, and the inside... Kinda scared me... It looked nearly identical to my main one, just a slight smaller and there was another door in the corner which I eyes my axe hanging on the wall next to it. _Cough cough_ Jeg har fire huse _cough cough._ On the bed in the corner were my familiar suitcase and bags, they seem to be packed tightly. Next to the bed was two big dog beds, one light pink and one baby blue.

“I’m gonna see if some of my clothes are here” I called out before closing the door and locking it. As if on cue, my legs buckled and I tried to make zero noise while falling into a crouch. _**They don’t know, they don’t know, they don’t know, calm down.**_

_Just breathe_

_Just breathe_

_Just Breathe_

I took deep breaths, before getting up and grabbing the suitcase, before walking over to the door in the corner. My theory was correct as when I opened it I was met with a mini bathroom. It was _hygge_ if I had to be honest. It had a decent sized shower and _it had a black theme_. 

  
I opened the suitcase and felt quite nervous as it had my favorite and _expensive_ clothes, but my body was trembling from the freezing drenched clothes. I half heartedly took off my wet jacket and the cold clothes underneath, hanging them next to the shower. I definitely wasn’t gonna use the shower of this sketchy place yet and just stole a towel from the cupboard, to dry myself with. 

From the mysteriously appearing clothes I chose my normal outfit: dark overcoat with red breeches, red sweater and a tie, deciding to leave the small hat for another day. I sigh comfortably as the warmth of the sweater takes over my body. I quickly try to fix my hair as best as possible.  
  


Suddenly I hear Gilbert and Alfred call for me. I rush out to see Alfred standing half way out of the door and Alfred next to the dogs. “They’re calling everyone down to zhe living room. We should go” Gilbert informed me.

”Alright, Charlie, Bella, you better not break anything while I’m gone ok?” I commanded the two big dogs, who seemed to kinda understand what I was saying.   


They were slightly reluctant though when I walked out the door with their uncles, but I tried my best to not be defeated by their begging puppy eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What could da pineapple boi be hiding?🤔


	6. Chapter 3. Anxiety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> R E L A T A B I L I T Y

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aUtHoR?????? tWo UpDaTeS iN oNe DaY?!?!?!?! aRe YoU oKay????
> 
> AND HONESTLY
> 
> N O P E XD QURANTINE GOT ME LOSING MY MIND AND HAVING TOO MUCH FREE TIME

**Denmark's POV**

We walked back down the annoyingly many stairs and back down to the living room, Germany, Japan and Netherlands were standing by what seemed to be a tiny table that had appeared in the middle of the huge horse shoe shaped table. While Gilbert and Alfred went off to find their seats by the table, I stalked over to the small group in the middle. _I really was not in the mood for so many people right now, the 'huge' living room suddenly felt so small when it was so flooded._ **Just keep up the facade, keep grinning, keep breathing.**

"Heya Ned, what's this?" I asked in my earrape voice, on the table were three things: a projecter, a tape and a _huge_ book.

He spared me a glance. "Ah Mathias, I heard Finland telling the nordics you had arrived. Hm we're not sure, all of this just suddenly appeared" He sighed. The two had not so long discovered they were somehow biologically related as cousins, Belgium had been ecstatic and forced them to go drinking together like in 'the old days' and they somehow managed to grow a friendship. The friendship up until this point had grown stronger and stronger, to the point the other nation could even get protective and caring of me in private.

Ludwig picked up the book and opened it, strangely enough it had the text `SECRETS`on it. "All zhe pages are... Blank" Ludwig mumbled putting the opened book down onto the table. He was right, there wasn't a trace of text or ink on the pages, despite the paper seemed so old it was slightly a yellow color around the corners. 

"We're playing the tape when everyone gets down here" Japan informed. "There's a seat next to Norway that seems to be assigned to you" To which I said a quick 'thank you' before I turned to find the Norwegian. It wasn't so difficult as it seems Lukas was for _the third time this week_ interrogating him about Hong Kong, but I kinda personally agreed that we should know if his boyfriend is really worthy enough for our little brother, it was protocol after all.

"Hey Norgeeeeee. How about you cut him some slack for second?" I chuckled sitting down in the chair on the right to them. On the table was a golden plate titled: `Denmark`that was screwed into the dark wood.

Iceland sighed loudly. "Finally someone who agrees! Haven't we already done this enough?!" He argued at his older brother.

"Maybe I wouldn't have to if you weren't constantly texting him! Just say it already: is it that serious or not?!" Lukas shot back making an embarrassed blush appear on Emil's face.

I looked over at the teenager. "Wait whaaaaaaaaat. Since when?!" Quickly smirking. "Emiiiiiil you playeeeeeeer" I teased. _This was honestly the only kinds of things that makes my day._

Emil somehow blushed even more and looked away. "Aaaaaaaaand that is the end of that conversation" I looked over at Lukas who was keeping an eye on Emil like a hawk, and I chuckled leaning back into my chair. "What about you and-" I started, but quickly had to dodge a slap from Lukas. Emil looked over at me interested, but a glare from Lukas made him keep his mouth closed.

Suddenly all the attention of the many loud people was given to Germany who _politely_ told them to shut up, who was still standing in the middle of the room. It honestly gave me a slight relieving feeling in my tense body to be sure all eyes were on someone else, not that I'd ever admit that to single living being.

"Alzight, since everyone finally have arrived. This tape appeared with zhe title `EXPLANATION. PLAY ME' we've decided to play it on zhe projecter. Hopefully it'll explain why zhe hell we are allz here" He announced with an annoyed expression. "Everyone understand?" Earning quick nervous nods before he turned around, putting it in and turning it on. Almost magically, the room's light dimmed down to an almost blackness.

The screen however, lit up brightly.

_The video showed a bright golden colored room, a chair in middle of the screen. Suddenly a woman sat down in the chair, smiling brightly. "Hey everyone! I hope you all have arrived to the mansion safely! Some of you might know me as I am America's mother, former America or even `America's ancestor' if you wish, I'll have to start with assuring you all that you're completely safe! The mansion has unlimited water, food and power. We apologize for the sudden kidnapping! Especially since we really should have warned you" She giggled with a slightly nervous smile. "We've noticed that most of you haven't really been getting along that well!"_ Everyone looked over at England and America's direction. _"To the point even the spirits of the deceased ancestors noticed, so they contacted us other ancestors. You might've seen a white light before you teleported here! That's because it was the spirit's magic, but that's besides the point! You've all been brought here to bond, communicate, and most of all: share your memories and secrets! To help you understand each other more!"_ I silently stopped breathing, anxiety hit me like a brick wall. **MEMORIES??? GET OUT. GET AWAY.** All of his instincts screamed for him to do something, _anything._ But he remained as still and tense as a rockin my chair. _"Today you'll get time to settle in, but you do have a schedule! Every day at 9 AM a new tape will appear where you found this one! Along with that the pages of the book next to it will start getting slowly filled with embarrassing, revealing and overall spicy secrets! It should help you all get closer and comfort each other better! So from 6 AM to around 8 AM you should have perfect time to make and eat breakfast! From 9 AM to around noon you'll get a lunch and normal break until 2 PM where more secrets you can read will appear. You can read and watch tapes until 7 PM where you can all make and eat dinner together, and you're done with the secrets and tapes for the day" She clapped her hands together. "It should take about two months to go through all the secrets and tapes, so you should arrive on the 1st of_ _April and me and the other ancestors will meet you in the garden on the 31rd of May before you're all teleported back. All of your bags and suitcases include all the clothes and essential things from your rooms that you'll need, along with your pets and their food. I hope you all like your rooms and roommates! The garden is really big and wonderful in good weather! See you in May!"_

The tape ended and everyone was silent. _Well silent for a good two seconds..._ "WHAT?!" Please- "SPIRITS?" Lower your voices- "WE'RE STUCK HERE FOR TWO WHOLE MONTHS?!" My head... "How is this possible?" It feels like I'm stuck in a tiny box- "OUR PARENTS ARE IN ON THIS?" There are way too many people in here- "That was your mother, America?" PLEASE "WHAT ARE WE GOIN-" " **EVERYONE SHUT UP** " I looked up from my desk and to Ludwig, who was sternly shutting everyone up again. I could finally get at least one small breath in.

**_Calm down. It will be alright._ **

_Just keep breathing_

_Just keep breathing_

_Just keep breathing_

I slowly managed to not get worse or start shaking or alerting anyone, my thoughts again interrupted by the German. "That waz really shocking yes. HOWEVER at least we now know why and how we're here, and at least it's because of people we know and we've been promised freedom. We'll of course check ifz there really is no way to leave, but we should be relieved by the fact that we're safe here AND STAY CALM" I honestly wanted to fucking hug the intimidating nation, even if he didn't realized it he just stopped me from probably embarrassing myself. "Some of us haven't eatenz much today so we should go check out zhe food in zhe cafeteria and kitchen, and then check those fencez. Everyone agreeing?"

Everyone looked around at each other for quickly nodding, and I swear I could hear someone muttering: "...What a beast..."

"Zhen let'sz go" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY THAT ITS SO SHORT!!!!
> 
> As someone with social anxiety this was super fun to write!
> 
> We finally getting some explanations
> 
> Also,
> 
> C O N F I R M E D H O N G I C E ? ? ? ? ?


	7. Chapter 4. Hunger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> C H I L D R E N
> 
> (yes if you have read this far I have now claimed you as my precious children)
> 
> E A T D A I L Y
> 
> LIKE- YOUR BODY WILL GET FUCKED IF YOU DON'T EAT EVERY DAY. YOU NEED 3 MEALS A DAY OK????? NOT TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF IS B A D
> 
> EAT OR PINEAPPLE BOI WILL FIND YOUR ADDRESS AND COME TO YOUR HOME AND FORCE-TAKE-CARE-OF-YOU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's so short ;-;
> 
> this kinda has some vent to it

**This chapter will include themes of blood, gore and self harm, and some of the content in this chapter might be distressing to some readers. Please exercise discretion if you are sensitive to these topics or seek out support of others or a professional assistance if any of this is hitting too close to home.**

**This fanfiction does or will eventually deal with such dark and disturbing themes. This message will be at the start of every one of such chapters.**

**Denmark's POV**

Food... Hm... I mean I am kinda craving some toast or something... But... _Seeing all those people swarming out the far too small door was making my stomach drop, to the point it felt like I was gonna throw up... I already know that there is no way in hell I'll even check the probably crammed cafeteria, food was important, but social anxiety didn't care even if I was starving._

_Just keep breathing_

_Just keep breathing_

_Just keep breathing_

**Your throat is burning, you know what's about to happen**

_It's fine... I just need to calm down and breathe..._

In a matter of seconds I no longer wished for food, _hunger_ still ate at the bottom of my stomach, but my appetite heavily disagreed. _Suddenly an incredibly cold swept over me, and I could swear my throat tried to make a gag._

"Hey Dane, you coming?" Lukas asked who had walked in front of my desk, snapping me out of my thoughts. "You look a tiny bit pale, are you sick?"

I quickly fixed my mouth to a grin. "A-ah," **Horrible time to stutter** "I'm fine, Norge. Just a little bit cold. I'm gonna go quickly check on Charlie and Bella, they're in my room so I'll be there soon!"

Norge narrowed his eyes just the slightest, it was nothing that a stranger would notice. "Hmmm... Alright, just don't scare Emil with them again" Before he walked past me and towards the door. Between the people moving I could spot Gilbert who had managed to catch Alfred, and they were most likely looking for me to join them in the cafeteria now. I ever so carefully lowered my head slightly and sneaked away from my seat, and towards the door in the opposite direction that led to extra bathrooms, closets and most importantly, the stairs. I silently thanked the gods inside my head that the mansion was built like this, or else I definitely wouldn't have been able to sneak away. 

**Better hurry~**

As soon as the door closed behind me I quickly straightened up and bolted up the stairs, a hand quickly covering my mouth and nose. 

**Hide it**

**Run, run, run**

It felt like it took way too long to even make it to the second floor, I could no longer keep my gags at bay. I struggled not to fall when I rushed up more stairs. Finally at last, I made it to my floor. My boots sqeakingly slid against the floor as I bolted towards my room, extremely thankful nobody was on the floor and could hear him.

A wet warm feeling came from my hand-

_Fuck, fuck, fuck, fandens_

I barged through my door, weights quickly jumping up against my shins, but they quickly disappeared followed by concerned whimpers from the big boar hounds. I halfheartedly hurried past them and to my room, feeling my legs give in the second I made it to the bathroom. Luckily the seat was up and I coughed roughly into it. My dogs were desperately nudging my back with their snouts, I could do nothing but just fight to stay conscious, while my limbs felt like they had been thrown in a frozen leg, but it felt like my insides were filled with lava at the same time.

**Weak**

_It usually isn't this bad..._

**Pathetic**

_I need to stay AWAKE_

**You definitely aren't getting enough oxygen, give up already**

My body numbed slowly and I helplessly slumped over, falling to the dark floor on my side. Black spots filled the corners of my view as I continued to throw up the horrible iron stenched blood, my head was pounding and light at the same time.

_I was consumed by blackness._ _I could no longer feel the hard floor. I could no longer keep consciousness._

_Something comforting covered my cheeks and ever so gently raised my head. My 'eyes' fluttered open and I looked up at who was comforting me. My eyes filled with_ _hopeless tears, I was a small kid... And my **mother** was examining my face._

_"Mathias, I'm sorry" **I don't love you** "You have to stay here" **I'm leaving you** "Your -------- need you, your ------ needs you" **Why did you ever think anyone would love you?** "Goodbye, my wonderful little sunflower" _

_**NO** _

_**ONE** _

_**WILL** _

_**EVER** _

_**STAY** _

Suddenly everything flashed white, and I opened my REAL eyes. I slowly looked down and my arms, my hands had roughly shoved inside my sleeves and I could feel my nails were dug into my arms. _It seems to happen everytime I get a nightmare._ I felt something nudge my sweaty hair and I looked up to see Bella worriedly nudging and licking my head, I looked towards the open bathroom door to see Charlie loyally sitting there guarding it. I shakingly sat up, Bella slipping her head under my hand for pets. _I must've passed out there for a sec..._ I could feel that blood had run down my chin and I looked down, there was a small puddle of blood from where my mouth had been.

I gave in to Bella's forced cuddling, she somehow knew whenever I needed physical comfort. _She's far too smart for her own good._ Charlie came over as well, avoiding the blood. Finally I pulled myself off the floor and started cleaning my mess, despite my huge head ache. 

_I pulled down my sleeves and... Oof..._

My nails had scratched at my already poorly bandaged wrists, fresh blood covered some places.

_I'm okay_

_I'm fine_

_This is fine_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bella and Charlie = Best Service Doggos
> 
> (did you know Bella and Charlie are one of the two most popular dog names in Denmark?;0)


	8. Chapter 5. Excuses, excuses, excuses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pineapple boi needs a hug :'(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHY AM I ADDICTED TO WRITING THIS SO MUCH??!?!?! IS THIS HOW AUTHORS FEEL?!?!
> 
> LPKWOMSOPMWOWMKWMIKWMIM

**This chapter will include themes of bad mental health, physical self harm and implied self harm, and some of the content in this chapter might be distressing to some readers. Please exercise discretion if you are sensitive to these topics or seek out support of others or a professional assistance if any of this is hitting too close to home.**

**This fanfiction does or will eventually deal with such dark and disturbing themes. This message will be at the start of every one of such chapters.**

**Denmark's POV**

I gritted my teeth as I slowly removed the bandages on my left wrist, _I hate this_.

**YOU did this**

_I can't exactly control what I do while I'm asleep..._

**You know what I'm talking about**

_... Touche...._

I felt like I was gonna barf my non existent breakfast up as washed my wrist under the sink, the blood wasn't too visible on it's black color. There were scratches on top of the ' _other stuff'_ that were slightly red and swollen, it stung like hell even when I tried my old cold water to numb it. 

You might think I'm sad or scared or angry... But... I feel... _Nothing_... Absolutely nothing. Have you ever felt like you were mentally dead? Like your mind is filled with silence and you remain internally numb even if your body could be screaming in pain? I've been feeling like this since I was a child, no one needed to know... Because... I had found _a way_ to hide it deep inside me, to hide the blood, to keep up my painful facade and forced smiles. Others would definitely disapprove of my way of staying stable, but I know no ones gonna help me, even if they knew. **I don't deserve that**. **But I'm grateful I have friends, drinking buddies and even just people who'll still look at me like a normal person**. **If it meant to keep all of this, I'd keep this up to my last breath**.

I'm honestly used to this, whether that's good or not... It's gonna be difficult hiding it while also being stuck with everyone I know for _two whole months,_ and with roommates too...

I cleaned my other wrist before bandaging them both up, at least doing it a little better than last time. I walked back into my bedroom, with Bella and Charlie on my heels. i was gonna see if any of my pills had been packed along with my clothes, when I heard a buzzing sound and turned to see my phone I had left on my bed to dry while we were down in the living room, buzzing wildly. I walked over to it and turned it on, my eyes quickly widening at seeing how many missed calls and texts I had gotten while I was out.

** > _Norge [2 Missed Calls]_ **

I thought you said you'd be down soon? Where are you?

Gilbert and Alfred are looking for you

_**> Norge** _

Dane I'm warning you. Do not play games with me right now.

Answer asap

**_ >Momma bear Tino [1 Missed Call) _ **

Tanska? Lukas said you were supposed to have come down

long ago :( everything ok? Peter is worried too

**_ Awesome Group Chat [4 Missed Calls] _ **

**> Captain America**

Dude where r u??? russia isnt in the cafeteria

so we cant come up there

**> Zir Awesomeness**

Correction: youre too scared to talk to him

and im not going alone. but Matty where in

the hell are you. you were just disappeared

**> Holland [5 Missed Calls]**

Mathias where are you? Even Sweden is concerned.

You know you can tell me if something's wrong right?

**You know you can tell me if something's wrong right?**

_I can't..._

I was confused by the flood of concern until my eyes went up to the digital time, wasn't it supposed to be 1 PM right now? Oh I had been out for an hour. I had been out for an hour... I HAD BEEN OUT FOR AN HOUR?!

Anxiety flooded my body as I silently panicked, it had only felt like I was out for a second like usual. Okay what do I do? What do I do? What do I do? Okay ømmm... I'll just... I looked down to see Bella nudging my free hand for pets. _I can pretend there was something with the dogs... Okay..._

_**> Norge** _

Dane I'm warning you. Do not play games with me right now.

Answer asap

_**Me <** _

Awww you're worried about me ;) I'm ok

Bella was just acting a little sick. You know

her and Charlie are like my children

_Sent <_

**INCOMING CALL >Norge**

**[ ACCEPT] DECLINE**

I picked up and raised it to my ear, ready to make excuses. _Sound like yourself, sound like yourself, don't say anything stupid._

I heard a click and- "Danmark? _Hvor i all verden er du_? You better start talking" _Ah Lukas seems pretty calm, huh?._ "You stupid Dane you could've at least texted me before completely disappearing" I could faintly hear Tino saying my name in some sentence.

"Hey Norge! You're still worried about me~ But I'm so so so sorry! Øm..." _Don't freeze._ "As I said Bella was acting a little sick, but it turned out to be nothing seriøs, but I had to stay to make sure she wouldn't get worse. I didn't realize how much time had passed, but thank you for telling Alfred and Gilbert what I was doing so they didn't freak out!"

There was silence from Lukas, _why isn't he saying anything? Is he suspicious? **Does he know?**_

"Well don't make everyone freak out again like this next time, okay?" Lukas said. "You should call Alfred or Gilbert, they were really worried about you" **You know no one cares about you, don't get your hopes up**.

"Alright! See you later then?" I asked, eager for the call to end. "Yeah, just remember to text everyone back. Bye-" _Click_.

**They have better things to do than worry about you.**

_I know, no need to remind me._

I tapped Alfred's number and called, putting the phone up to my ear once again. _Ring...- Click_ "MATHIAS. DUDE, ARE YOU ALIVE, ARE YOU OKAY, WHERE ARE YOU?" Alfred's familiar voice asked loudly. _That was quick_. 

"AV JESUS KRISTUS! I CAN HEAR YOU NO NEED TO SHOUT" I yelped, holding the phone a bit away from my ear. "I'm okay! I'm sorry for ghosting everyone! Bella was acting like she was sick, so I had to stay in my room and time just flew by. Where are you and Gilbert? I can come to you in a sec"

I heard a sigh of relief. **Why do they even bother with you?** _I don't know._

"Matthias, I will kill you if you do tzhis again. We were worried as hell, we juzt went to Alfred's room and were about to even break into your room" I heard Gilbert say, I chuckle. "Awww you guys care about me~" In an attempt to make him take it back, _I don't believe that_. "Of fucking course dude, you know we need our favorite drinking buddy" My grip ever so slightly tightened around my phone, _I don't, I really don't._ **That's because it's not true**.

"Pfft hold kæft, I'll be there in a second" I brushed it off, hopefully not alerting them. "Sure dude, can you bring your dogs?!" Alfred begged, I looked down at Bella who was sleeping next to my feet, then over at Charlie who had found one of his dog toys in my bag. "Fine, be down in a sec" I sigh. "Ok, byeeee" "Farvel" _Click._

I take a deep breath.

_Just keep breathing_

_Just keep breathing_

_Just keep breathing_

I rubbed my eyes before whistling. "Okay kids, let's go visit your favorite uncles"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just got a comment on the last chapter and let me clarify
> 
> YES IF YOU ARE SO NICE YOU'RE STILL READING THIS AND LEAVING KUDOS YOU ARE NOW MY CHILDREN
> 
> I WILL SEND PINEAPPLE BOI IF YOU DON'T TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELVES


	9. Chapter 6. Time For A Walk Down Memory Lane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm struggling to figure out who to ship Pineapple boi with xD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think we can agree that Mathias is the parent type of friend in the chaotic awesome trio xD
> 
> also sorry about how late this update is! so you get a long chapter!

**This chapter will include themes of blood, gore,social anxiety and guardian abandonment, and some of the content in this chapter might be distressing to some readers. Please exercise discretion if you are sensitive to these topics or seek out support of others or a professional assistance if any of this is hitting too close to home.**

**This fanfiction does or will eventually deal with such dark and disturbing themes. This message will be at the start of every one of such chapters.**

**Denmark's POV**

Bella and Charlie definitely seemed to be picking up on my mood, as wherever I walked they followed by each of my sides. I made sure I looked okay and didn't have the smell of blood on me with some perfume, before I unplugged my phone from it's charger in the wall. _I'm lucky Alfred and Russia's last salty fight resulted in the american being more intimidated by the other, I would've definitely been screwed if he and Gilbert dared to break into my room. How exactly do I lie about them finding me passed out in a pool of my own blood? And åh gud if they saw my arms... Speaking of the Russian... I wonder what he's doing? They texted something about not seeing him, well it's not like I see him a lot or that we're close. But I wonder what he's always doing by himself, he seems to avoid large crowds when his sister's are with him... Not that I blame him, have you seen how obsessive and protective Belarus gets around him?_

I kick myself out of my own thoughts before standing up with the dogs on right by my sides, left my bedroom and went to open the door when I felt a slight pull? I gazed up from the ground and- _når du taler om solen_. Brown boots, greenish pants, tan coat and the familiar scarf. _Okay, if you're gonna have to live with another nation you should treat him like a normal person._ "Oh _Rusland_ " I said moving to the side with the dogs following, to let the taller nation inside.

I could've sworn I saw a hint of curiosity in his eyes before he smiled... "Da, thank you _Daniya_ " He said before stepping inside, giving me slight hope that this might not be so bad. "It appears that we've been roomed together, da?"

I nodded and replied: "It appears so, your room is the door to the right" Before reaching down to pet Charlie's head. "I hope you don't mind my dogs. They aren't too loud and I'll make sure they don't break anything or enter your room" I said trying pushing down my nervous concerns.

Russia looked down and finally noticed the two large hounds. "I'm fine with dogs, no need to worry" He said reassuringly, _wait... Did he see through the facade?... That's... Concerning..._

"Ah well, I gotta go. Perhaps I'll see you later" I said, silently struggling to keep up the fake smile. "Da, goodbye Daniya" He waved and I said a quick goodbye back, before walking out the door with my dogs still following and closing it behind me. I didn't start walking instantly though, it felt like he read my emotions like they were written on me... I'm probably just overreacting... Yeah... That's what it is...

**Russia's Pov (wow bet you didn't expect that)**

Well, that was pretty awkward... I think I might've scared Daniya off, but he didn't seem afraid from the start like everyone else is? He only seemed tense when I reassured him? Like that smile wasn't supposed to look as obviously fake as it did, I mean it was obvious as ад along with his eyes showing a complete different emotion. It seemed familiar but I couldn't put my finger on it... His dogs were really adorable though.

Maybe I'll try more on not overstepping that any boundaries next time... If there is one...

********

**Denmark's POV**

When I felt more calm I started my walk to the lower floor, Bella and Charlie carefully sniffing their surroundings while still staying beside me. _To be honest I'm grateful I didn't get put in a room with any of the other Nordics, they would quickly get suspicious of me... And... I'm not ready for that... It's even triggering enough they're so close..._ **Stop thinking like this, you know what happened last time**.

I finally made it to the second floor, once again ripping myself from my thoughts as I walked over to the door with the American and Canadian flag printed onto it. I took a deep breath, made sure my hair spiked right and put on a smile, before I raised my hand and knocked on the door. With a click it opened at I was met with the naturally cheerful Alfred, who quickly crouched down to pet the dogs. "Dude! Don't do that again! Text us next time!" He reminded me with a relieved tone. "I know I know. I'll buy you and Gilbert some booze or something when we get out of here"

I heard Gilbert call out from inside: "You bezter! Come in you tall dane" Alfred nodded and led me inside, whispering to me: "He was actually just as worried, but you know his stubborn German ass just won't admit it" I chuckled at that, and sat down on their couch next to Gilbert who was laying down with his phone. "Who are you textiiing? Is there a special someone we should know aboooout?" I teased trying to lean over to look at the screen, hearing Alfred sneaking over as well.

He quickly turned off his phone with a red face, and quickly turned to slap me away. "N-no! Not tzat it would be any of your business anyzway!" He said embarrassed.

"Yes it would!" Alfred argued between laughs. "You know everything about our love lives! We deserve to know who ya fucking!" Before Gilbert threw a pillow at his face.

"Don't zay it like tzat!" Gilbert screeched in embarrassment. "And you know your love live iz dryer tzan sand with your aromantic ass!" 

"Hey! Who said you knew everything about my love life?!" I asked confused.

"Pfft when iz the lazt time you ever dated someone? I don't tzhink I should expect you getting in a relationzhip anytime soon!" He teased back while throwing more pillows at Alfred.

I put my hand on my chest in fake dramatic offense. "Who knows? Maybe I am DATING someone, you wouldn't necessarily know!" I gasped.

"Yeah right! Everytzime we've tried to convince you to try dzating you're too ztubborn to admit you need it!" He shot back with a smirk.

_Fuck... He's kinda right. I've never been able to convince myself that I'm good enough for that, let alone that I even deserve it. I just blame it on how busy I am._

"Fine, you win _smartrøv!_ But you never know!" I huffed 

********

_Fandens! How did I let the two drag me down into the cafeteria for dinner?! I can't escape... And Bella and Charlie are up in the room._ I tried to keep up my normal smile and not alert the others, but it felt like my whole mind went 100 miles an hour when we entered the flooded room. It seems Italy had decided to make some kind of pasta dish for everyone so a bunch of people were already eating, maybe I could just stay behind Alfred and Gilbert and I'll feel more safe? I don't know if I really wanna eat though-

I felt myself being pulled to a stop by a hand on my shoulder, making me turn around to look at them. Oh, it was Lukas... WAIT A REALLY PISSED LUKAS. "H-hey Norge!" I tried nervously, but knew my fate. "Jeg sverger at jeg skal drepe deg neste gang, dane" I sighed and chuckled. "I know..."

He turned to Alfred and Gilbert and asked: "Mind if I steal him?" "We-" "Thanks" Not even waiting for a response before I was dragged away. "I'm getting the feeling you didn't get to drink your coffee this morning before we were brought here?" I chuckled at the salty Norwegian.

When we got to the table Peter was... Basically getting really nosy about Emil's boyfriend, pfft you learn from the best huh?

********

I was rudely awoken by my alarm the next morning, I turned it off and tiredly sitting up while rubbing my eyes. I almost got confused where I was until I remembered yesterday. "Mhmm..." I groaned. _Time to find out if Alfred's mom was actually serious... I really hope not..._

I looked over at my dogs, who were comfortable sleeping on the big dog beds. "Lucky..." I sighed before forcing myself to stand out. _If so it definitely needed some taking used to, getting up early._ I stumbled over to the bathroom and turned on the bright light, looking into the mirror. **You already look like shit.** _Not my fault I couldn't fall asleep..._ I quickly showered and fixed my hair. _Hmm... Breakfast?... Nope..._

I know skipping breakfast probably isn't a good idea, but I'll at least go down and snatch a cup of coffee to really wake up since I didn't wake up early for nothing. I kissed my dogs goodbye before walking out of my bedroom, it seems Russia isn't here. I hope I can make it up to him for leaving so suddenly the last time we met.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Russia is honestly precious
> 
> It is now tradition in the awesome trio that to apologize one must buy the other two booze xD and Alfred is confirmed aromantic??? ;000


	10. Chapter 7. Family Doesn't Stop At Blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some Alfred origin ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Note for Sunflower: You really have no idea what's coming for our boi xD)

**This chapter will include themes of not eating, blood/gore, social anxiety and guardian abandonment, and some of the content in this chapter might be distressing to some readers. Please exercise discretion if you are sensitive to these topics or seek out support of others or a professional assistance if any of this is hitting too close to home.**

**This fanfiction does or will eventually deal with such dark and disturbing themes. This message will be at the start of every one of such chapters.**

**Denmark's POV**

I poured the hot dark drink into the tan paper coffee cup and leaned against the kitchen counter, looking out the open door to the rest of the cafeteria. I could ever so faintly hear talking from different places around the mansion, so I should probably steal a tiny snack before everyone else floods in for breakfast. _I wasn't really gonna eat... But I ended up throwing back up my dinner yesterday, and I was for once genuinely hungry. It might've been a little too much to jump head first into a dinner with the other Nordics... Especially after such a bad day..._

I turned around and tiredly opened the door to the HUGE pantry, like it was more like a whole room packed with food. _All of this is still creepy, I know that magic exists from Lukas... But this is whole new level. It's a bunch of different kinds of food and ingredients, even a closet with cigarettes from various different countries._ I noticed an open bag of cinnamon Gifflar (probably Alfred since he doesn't need me to restock him here) and grabbed it. Lucky for me there was only three left so I couldn't end up overeating, even I realize it's bad to eat nothing for awhile and suddenly overeat. I slowly ate them and took another sip of my coffee when someone walked in, surprising me until I realized who it was.

" _Godmorgen_ _Holland_ " I said putting up a smile. " _Goedemorgen Denemarken_..." He mumbled back tiredly before noticing the fresh pot of coffee. "Can I?" He asked pointing at it and I nodded. "Have at it, you look like shit" I chuckled and tossed him a paper cup. "Same to you, mister I-cannot-answer-any-of-my-text-messages" He shot back and I gasped in realization. "Oh yeah fuck! _Undskyld!_ I totally forgot!" I apologized quickly. "After dinner I just passed out before I could text you back" I _lied_. "It's alright, but I will murder you next time" He warned with the _tiniest_ smile. "Alright! Well I'm gonna go, see you soon!" I said before throwing out my empty coffee cup and leaving.

_Maybe it'd be a good to actually explore this place a bit? At least while it's still peaceful._

I walked down the large cafeteria and down into the long hallway that to the right, led to the living and screen room, and to the left I could see another long hallway that I hadn't seen yet. As I walked to the left I could see countless paintings down the walls and a few flowers here and there. _This place is so huge... Better have a bar if we're going to be staying here..._ When I made it to the end I was met with a big lounge like room with couches, bean bags and TV's. There were three doors... One was ever so slightly opened? I quietly made my way over and soundlessly stepped inside, spotting a light switch and flicking it on. _Jack-fucking-pot._

  
  
A room with a bar, a BIG room with a HUGE bar. I looked around in awe at the aesthetically pleasing dark wood and the extremely _hyggelige_ tables and the two pool tables in each of the corners. _Why didn't I look here yesterday?! I'll definitely check out their alcohol stock tonight. Maybe just a little sip will lighten my day a little bit...?_

********

Okay that 'sip' may or may have not turned into a full glass of whiskey, but it sucks how much it actually takes to even get me tipsy... _And I of course can't hide it from Norge... I think he's already somehow smelt it on me, he's been silently out of the corner of his eyes staring at me with an unreadable expression since I've sat down at my desk. Hopefully Ice won't notice as well... I'm lucky I sit at one of the ends of the table..._

"Good morningz everyone, it szeems we should see if zhe tape yesterday was real" I lifted my head to look at Ludwig, who was once again standing in the middle of the room holding two tapes? "These two tapez appeared today with zhe titlez 'America' and 'Canada' we will start witzh America's" i glance over to Alfred who seemed slightly curious, but still keeping up a cheerful look, Matthew... Looked nervous... **None of this feels right.**

Someone dimmed the lights as the German put in the tape, I silently leaned back into my chair to hide my uneasiness. _What was then showed on the large screen made all of the hairs on the back of my neck stand._

********

_America's childhood was... Intense... To say the least... Him and his brother only met at a later date of his life. He had spent a few short years with his lovable mother Mia Jones the mentor of the America rank, who he got his cheerful and_ _adventurous spirit from. He had faint memory of before Canada was taken somewhere else before they could really meet, his mother had to explain to the young nation in tears that; his father Ethan Williams the mentor of the Canada rank, whom neither he or his brother had ever met as he was somewhere far away exploring, had decided that training the upcoming nations of America and Canada alongside his love wasn't for him. He coldly left them without even seeing his own children for the first time, despite their mother's many desperate pleads. This lead America's mother to suffer from heartbreak and stress, getting worse day by day. Until one day the woman had to break the news to the young boy, that she isn't capable of taking care of him in the way he needs at the moment, that the very 'nice' nation of England was going to take care of him and he was finally going to meet his brother. After they both tearfully said their goodbyes, Alfred went into the Englishman's care to truly start his life as a soon-to-be nation. He developed a healthy relationship with his brother Canada and worked to overcome the abandonment of their parents, but every nation had to face the hard truth of their duty. War is a cursed word among the nations, and oh is it hated as well. When you live for so long you see many horrible things and feel the pain of seeing an of your own people killed, there actually are many that see such horrors even before the normal process of the nation's body permanent pause of growing, giving them their permanent physical age. From an early age he experienced war and death, he realized just how many burdens that were hidden under the greatness of his rank. However to escape dark thoughts, blood and bad health Alfred put on the personal goal to 'be a hero' and help others when he can. He watched legendary people rise and fall, live and die, turn bitter and change. Like all nations he went through both physical and mental pain throughout his long history. His relationship with England remained the love hate type it was luckily, and he and Canada still in the end saw each other as brothers. Everyone who knows their WWII already know what was happening in America at the time, but strangely enough it was the outcome of the horrible war that resulted in the start of his close and caring friend group. Personally Alfred had observed Denmark for a small period of time, despite the country trying to stay neutral, the Danish Occupation happened and the American admired how the Danes still kept silently fighting throughout it and the lives that were given for the resistance. It seemed the other nation had a very different relationship to his people than the others which intrigued Alfred, despite Matthias choosing one thing for his country his people could still do the complete opposite. Normally nations were in complete control of their people's wishes and commands, but this one even with the hidden pride watched them keep fighting when even he himself was down. After it finally ended America went to finally have a normal introduction with the other blonde and was surprised to hear that the other did in fact, hold no grudge or even the slightest hate towards the nations they know as Germany and Prussia while the Dane had a wise look in his eyes that he'd never forget. A little while after and their friendship had started Denmark introduced him to Prussia who seemed to already be fairly familiar with the Dane. Drinking together turned into spending time together, and spending time together turned into a close and strong friend group where they even looked to each other as family and support. He discovered his identity and how he wants to love. Later Alfred reunited with his mother who had been worried sick throughout it all, and got her and Canada introduced so Matthew could actually get to know one of his biological parents. America was then the person we know him as today, still fighting and still smiling._

********

**Denmark' POV**

They had showed his memories so clear like it was- no it actually was magic. _His father leaving him gave me a sympathetic and sad feeling_ _towards the other._ The room was silently and the images of Alfred covered in blood and wounds were burned into my thoughts and some were even looking at me. but... **Anxiety or not. You're not sitting here and doing nothing.** No one said anything as Alfred stood up, probably to get away. But I got up and basically dragged him out of the room, sending a signaling look for Gilbert to stay in his seat. _I'll need someone to keep everyone there and tell me how everyone reacted._ As we were out of sight of the others he started try and get out of my hold, but I didn't let him go just yet.

"Mathias you don't have to carry me! Where are we going?! Let go, that was so fucking humiliating!" He said with a sad and anxious expression. I didn't say anything and took him down to the newly found bar. I dropped him onto a chair. "Yeah? Well listen Alfred, I know from experience that no one actually wants to fucking talk about their emotions, but I really need you to talk to me. That shit back there was really worrying" I said careful not to lower my voice too much "Why?! This is my burden, it shouldn't be put on you and Gilbert!" He asked helplessly.

" _Hold. Kæft._ Right fucking now. You want a reason? We CARE about you, we WANT to help you with your problems. We agreed that family doesn't stop at blood"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pineapple boi is an alcoholic :,(


	11. Chapter 8. Pineapple Therapist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BONDING IS KEY TO HEALTHY FRIENDSHIPS
> 
> +MY BOI NEEDS A HUG

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably the longest it's taken me to write a chapter
> 
> I guess it's hitting close to home ^^' whether that's good or not...

**This chapter will include themes of bad mental health, referenced eating disorder and trauma from guardian abandonment, and some of the content in this chapter might be distressing to some readers. Please exercise discretion if you are sensitive to these topics or seek out support of others or a professional assistance if any of this is hitting too close to home.**

**This fanfiction does or will eventually deal with such dark and disturbing themes. This message will be at the start of every one of such chapters.**

**Denmark's POV**

Alfred almost seemed shocked I was being so serious and was about to open his mouth to probably question if something was wrong, but I did even let him start the words. "Alfred _hold kæft_ we are talking about you, and you're gonna explain to me what I saw back there... Wait..." _His parents left him... It definitely seemed to have left SOME impact on his mental health... Does he feel the same as me?... Constantly afraid of being left behind?..._ "Is this why you tried to push me and Gilbert away when we started getting closer?... Are you... Afraid we'll leave you too?..." My tone getting softer. Luckily not many could've stumbled upon this bar yet, so we'll be safe from others interrupting us so I could let a tiny bit of my guard down. 

"You're one to talk about pushing people away" He tried hopelessly and I sent him a glare at that statement, his expression seemed to change at that. "B-but... _Fuck_ Mathias when did you become a therapist?..." _Finally he's giving in... He looks so... Sad?... Depressed even... I cannot no, WILL NOT just watch him suffer like this alone..._ I for once said my next sentence in pure honesty and emotion,."I'm assuming I'm right then? _Jesus Kristus_ Alfred, we aren't gonna leave you! I get that people can just tell you that like it's actually easy to believe, but you do realize how low I was the first time you talked to me? I didn't think anyone was even gonna talk to me for centuries, but before I knew it you _willingly_ became my friend. And oh do you know how anxious Gilbert was when I tried to convince him to _really_ meet you?! I found him when passing by one of my cities, drinking away his guilt in a bar because he was disgusted by what it came to during the war. He was literally _terrified_ you'd only see him as the Nazi you had seen before, but you actually trusted me and let him in. Give me ONE good reason why we'd leave you, us, your brother, and hell even England! We all care about you in each of our own hundred ways!" **What let's you think he actually trusts you?**

I took a long deep breath and looked the now speechless nation in the eyes. "So go on, give me ONE good reason why we would ever leave us when you were like a hero for us. I'll wait" I challenged truthfully while leaning back into the chair across from him, crossing my arms. I only saw a flash of a familiar brown jacket before I felt arms tightly wrap around me, making me tense up in surprise. I carefully uncrossed my arms and gently pat his back hearing soft sniffles, bringing me back to an old memory.

********

_"Dude! There is like DEFINITELY something wrong with meeeee! WHAT IF I'M BROKEN OR SOMETHIIIIING?..." Alfred whined while continuing his mostly personal rant before taking a sip of the danish beer in his hand, making me sigh. He's been like this ever since I picked him up from the airport... Did I do something wrong?... Should I text Gilbert that our plans are cancelled so he doesn't drive here for nothing? Alfred doesn't seem like he's in a good enough mood to have fun._

_"It's hard to understand what you're saying between your CRYING, take a deep BREATH, man up and tell me already" I say while pinching the bridge of my nose, he obeyed and took a deep breath before saying: "Y-you know how Matthew took me on a tour through Canada last week? Apparently mister baguette-and-wine-addict had decided to come along, I just kind of ignored him most of the time. Then Matthew a-asked me about relationships. And honestly I was so confused for a second and you know I've never dated anyone, then I just kinda realized that I've never really enjoyed the thought of dating or ever even LIKED someone. I told him this a-and the stupid Frenchman came out of nowhere and said `iF yOu DoN't FeEl LoVe ThEn ThErE's SoMeThInG wRoNg WiTh YoU' and now I hate to admit it, but I think he's riiiiiight..." He sniffed in defeat._

_I snorted for a second before I began full on laughing, earning a confused look from the American. "Alfred you're not 'broken'- pfft- you do realize that you could just be Aromantic or something right?- HAHA- AND YOU LISTENED TO FRANCE- HAHAHA" I made out between laughs and he just somehow looked even more confused. "A-what? Mathias I'm not attracted to a letter-" He said and I laughed even more. "NO YOU DUMBASS. YOU'RE JUST NOT ROMANTICALLY ATTRACTED TO ANYTHING AT ALL. IT'S CALLED BEING AROMANTIC AND IT'S OKAY. PLEASE DON'T TELL ME IT'S ONLY NOW YOU'VE REALIZED THIS?!" I asked while wiping a tear._

_I looked over to see him looking at me with surprised eyes... That were tearing up again?... Before I knew it I was pulled into a bone crushing hug. "AHH THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU DENNYYYYY" He sniffed loudly while I patted his back. "Alright that's enough beer for today Alfred, but congratulations or whatever"_

********

"Y-you really mean that?..." He sniffed into my shoulder while also trying to wipe his tears, making me smile softly. "Of course you stubborn _Amerikaner_ , come on we both know I'm a horrible therapist you can stop crying- What are you doing?" I looked down to see him poking my waist. "When did you get so skinny? You were already so thin at time I checked..." He mumbled confused. **Well SHIT.** _Just how long has it been since someone hugged me?..._ "What? Huh, I didn't realize that I had lost some weight" I lied putting up a smile. "You sure dude? It doesn't seem like it'd be healthy to get any thinner" He asked and I swatted away his hand, trying to put my mask back on. "Yeah, and you can stop poking me now"

He huffed , but smiled and finally looking like his usual self. He leaned back onto the side of the booth they were in with crossed arms. "Fine, but I will force feed you if don't stop looking like a literal twig" _Aaaaaand I should maybe avoid hugs for a little while._ "Ja ja... But are you like, seriously okay Alfred?" I checked one last time, and luckily it also seemed to change the subject. 

He took a deep breath before nodding confidently. "Yes definitely, I should probably talk to Matthew after they've watched his tape. But... Thanks for the talk Denny, I was just gonna hide in the bathrooms or something. But now on top of all of this I also now know there actually is a bar he-" We both tensed up at the sound of the door being open followed by footsteps, making us lower our bodies behind the table we were at. I was silently sighing in relief that I had chosen one of the booths instead of one of the open tables, Alfred probably still needs to cool off a bit before talking to any of the probably now concerned nations.

The footsteps grew closer and closer... _And closer..._ My eyes widened when I realized who it was and jumped up with Alfred. "Gilbert! _Herover!_ " I whisper-yelled getting his attention, making him hurry over and sigh in relief. "Holy _scheiße_ Alfred! Are you fucking okay?! Have you been crying?! Was tzhat shzit back tzhere real?!" He asked seeming like his accent gets stronger if he's in panic. "Calm down Gil! Breathe, I'm okay! I just talked to Mathias!" Alfred exclaimed with a nervous smile.

_"Ja_ thanks for staying behind. What happened after we left?" I asked while moving so the Prussian could sit down. "About tzhat, England and Matthew tried to go aftzer you two, but I managed to get Ludwig to make tzhem stay. Your mother really wasn't lying Al, after your tape some weird texts appeared in tzhe book about you. Like a bunch of factz and like they called it: 'secretz'. It'z so strange how zsuddenly now our ancestors are contacting us, I sneaked away after they started Canada'z tape... And oh right" He took a tape and gave it to Alfred. "Tzhe book said to give tzhe tape to the nation it'z about" Alfred nodded and sighed in relief. "Thanks, I'll talk to them later" While he examined the strangely important tape.

"Szooooooo... Want to talk about what happened back there?..." Gilbert asked cautiously, but I silently knew he wasn't accepting a no. "I'll leave you two to talk, I need a smoke anyways" I said so they'd have some space before getting up. "Smoking kills Dennyyyy" Alfred quietly called out as I left the room, followed by a chuckle from the Prussian. I walked through the lounge and down the hallway, silently passing the living room where there came the faint sound of voices from. 

_Alright... First day and already so much has happened... I've been letting down the mask too much... I'm not used to being around them all for such long periods of time, this was supposed to be fun. The Denmark THEY 'know' would love to have more excuses to be on their necks, the nation they know should be ecstatic about being here. He's the annoying try-hard that's only looking for his next opportunity to drink and party brainlessly. To dumbly accept the insults and even sometimes physical warnings from anyone who got tired of him, but still keeping up the ugly, misplaced mistake of a smile. Grinning in the face of others, but at the price of silently letting all the loneliness and self hate slowly kill me inside, no matter what I do._ **So you just have to keep living up to the expectations, it's a price that has to be paid**. I continued drowning in my own thoughts and slowly getting deeper and deeper while I made my way to the back door of the huge mansion. Finally I made my way out of the back door and out onto the fairly large porch, shivering at the sudden fresh air despite it ac. I reached into the pocket of my overcoat and pulled out the precious pack of lung destroying cigarettes and my silver lighter. 

_I know, I shouldn't smoke, I shouldn't drink and so on and so on... However when you live so long and see so much, you just naturally develop the permanent instinct that you know it'll take so much more to kill you, nicotine becomes a mere small addiction that helps calm your mind. If that's an issue do you even want to know how much alcohol I drink each month? The history of the scars all over my body is a decent example, we've looked death in the eyes so many times we don't even feel like we're actually living every day. I mean isn't it a good enough accomplishment that I quit doing REAL drugs decades ago?... I'm having one of 'those' days aren't I?..._

I silently bit my tongue to try and relieve all of the sudden dark thoughts that bombarded my mind. I lifted one of the expensive sticks up to my mouth and lit it before taking a long puff of it, filling my lungs in a strangely calming way. I choked on nothing when I heard a click behind me and I turned around... To see no other than _Berwald_ had been the one to walk out onto the porch. _Fucking Christ the mask already needs to be put on again..._

"S'rry, d'dn't re'lize any'ne w's out her'" He said raising his eyebrow when he noticed me. "Ah _Sverige_ , it's okay. I can leave if ya want, but what are you doing here?" I asked with the classic high pitch.

"I j'st c'me for som' fr'sh air y'u d'n't have to leave" He mumled with his usual deep and intimidating voice and gazing out at the back garden, before stepping over to the edge of the porch but still keeping his distance from me. "St'll sm'k'ng I see?" I force out a fake chuckle and and took another puff. "Did you really expect more from me? Aw I didn't know you thought so highly of me" I could basically HEAR his eye roll.

"So y'u w'nt wit' Alf'ed" _Don't ask please..._ "D'd y'u talk?..." _God fucking dammit._ I wanted to continue my normal habit of putting out my cigarette on my hand, but with the nation next to me I was forced to settle on the rock next to the steps that led down onto the grass. " _Undskyld_ Ber, but I'll wait for Alfred to explain everything to everyone-" I turned around to leave, grabbing the doorknob... But Sverige's next sentence made me stop in my tracks. 

  
  
"T'no is s'rpr'sed y'u h'ven't m'ved b'ck into the m'nsion y't" He mumbled with slight caution. _What..._ **Why is he suddenly so talkative? Even if it's his 'wife' he's always seemed like he'd rather die than live in the same house at me again. I will never be able to step foot into that horrible memory filled house, I emptied my room before giving them the old Nordic Mansion for a reason...** _Shit shit shit the back of my throat is burning again..._

"O-oh well... You can assure him I won't be in your hairs about it..." I made out opening the door hurriedly. "Den-" I heard behind me.

**But I had already left.**


	12. Chapter 9. Hiding In The Shadows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WE'RE ALL DEPRESSED TOGETHER~
> 
> WE'RE ALL SAD AND WE SEE THAT~
> 
> WE'RE ALL DEPRESSED TOGETHER~
> 
> AND IT SHOWS WHEN WE CRY, TEARS AND SIGHS~
> 
> WHEN WILL THIS SHIT EEEEEEENDD?~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im maybe maybe not quietly venting through this ;-;

**This chapter will include themes of blood, disease/disorder and depressive tendencies, and some of the content in this chapter might be distressing to some readers. Please exercise discretion if you are sensitive to these topics or seek out support of others or a professional assistance if any of this is hitting too close to home.**

**This fanfiction does or will eventually deal with such dark and disturbing themes. This message will be at the start of every one of such chapters.**

**Denmark's POV**

_Fandens, fandens, FANDENS!_ First days are always the worst aren't they? Can't I even handle difficult conversations anymore? **He was probably just about to threaten you to not to even think about it, calm down.**

_That doesn't make the fucking blood I'm barfing up in the middle of the mansion any better. Wait isn't there supposed to be lunch in a second?... Shit I need to find somewhere to hide. I have to go through the living room to get to my room, where I at least could have privacy for this..._ I look around quickly when the taste of iron bombarded my mouth. I faster than a heartbeat, rip off my black gloves so I could tightly wrapped one of my hands onto my mouth to keep the blood from pouring out and the other tightly grabbed around my painful throat, my legs started to feel weak like I had just ran the longest marathon in the world.

_My painkillers and Pentoxifylline are up in my room, I forgot to put them in my coat this morning! FUCK! And my room is on the other side of this huge mansion! And I can't get to it without going through a room filled with nations! FUCK! The others are all going to come flooding at any moment! I can't go back! Berwald is still on the porch! And Gilbert and Alfred are in the goddamn bar! Fuck, fuck, fuck I'm freaking out and I'm fucked either way! Wait..._ I half-ran through the mansion while careful not to make noise, and hurried over to the bathrooms next to the cafeteria... _It's risky as hell... But_ _I don't have any other options until it passes..._ As soon as I got to the men's bathroom I barged into the last stall, the one longest away from the door. My legs automatically buckled so I just gave into the inevitable and removed my hand from my mouth, blood was even flooding my nose. _And from such a simple thing too..._

My visioned blurred with tears as the disgusting iron-tasting blood flooded out of my mouth and into the toilet, while I desperately grabbed onto the toilet seat so I wouldn't gag and get caught. Though I could only do so little against the coughs. My limbs screamed in pain and started weakly twitching, I also started getting more and more lightheaded on top of all of that. _Twitching?... Just what the fuck does the world have against me?... I thought I had already been punished enough just for being born..._

When it _extremely_ slowly started calming down I managed to lift my hand to brush back my hair from my forehead, blinking a few times and wiping away the tears. _My doctor's words ringed in my head, I really should've listened to more._

**"[_-** **_-_-] Syndrome Stage 3 =**

 **Twitching begins during 'episodes', burning sensation in eyes** **, limb aching and** **increased blood when emotional o** **verwhelmed"**

I really should've stayed in bed today, it looks like someone was literally murdered in this stall. I blindly ripped off a piece of toilet paper and spat the remaining blood out from my mouth before wiping it, careful not to get any blood on my clothes. Soon enough I as quickly as possible, worked to make sure no one would know I had ever been there. I stuck out my tongue in disgust at the sight of my owl blood in the toilet, my head was pounding like someone was hitting it with a hammer. _I just want to sleep-_ I was interrupted by the sound of a door opening and the loud sounds of countless footsteps coming from down the hall.

**Shit**

I quickly finished cleaning up my mess and hurried up onto the toilet, bringing my shaking knees close to my chest. _I reek of blood... Fandens også..._ I had to silently lean my head against the stall wall, my vision slightly blurry from both blood loss and exhaustion. _I really can't pass out here_. I didn't even notice the tears that stung their way onto the corners of my eyes. 

_How pathet ic... **T** he savage Kongeriget Danmark is sitting **h** er **e** , whining like a cowa **r** d because h **e** can **'** t handle a little coughing... Whatever happened to the brainle **s** s moron that used to be him? Hm even I kinda mis **s** him, but did he ever really exist? In reality wasn't it just that it was easier t **o** pretend back then? When it was so easy he could just drink without sorrow an do ecstasy to escape reality with no regrets, but now all of the guilt is slowly killing hi **m** inside. Along with his body hopelessly trying to end his s **u** ffering through blood loss and self harm- even his fu **c** king body wanted to die. Ha! How pat **h** etic r **i** ght?! But back then he had NO idea of the pain that the horrible **m** ask inevitable brings! AND oh to t **h** ink of the masochist of a viking he used to be! The second he found something to CARE for wh **i** le surviving the hate he got in returned, he RUINE **D** anything he'd touch! He RUINED h **i** s family and_ _I hate the fact that I was HIM. I do **n** 't even have the right to be here acting like nothing's wrong! I RUINED my own life and now I deserve that everyone wants me dead! And to think all because of the people I_ _SLAUGHTERED with that ækle fuckin **g** monster that I used to- _

My hands tightly gripped at my poor hair, I finally noticed the warm tears running down my cheeks and onto my pants. _Stop... Stop... STOP..._ My hand had on instinct started scratching at the already bloody bandages underneath my sleeve, at least ripping me from the dark thoughts. My other hand grabbed onto my mouth to help hold back the quiet sobs that tried to escape my throat.

_It's been a while since I've really cried... I really am pathetic huh?..._

********

I cautiously peeked out of the bathroom to see the door to the cafeteria had been close, and the loud talking of the other Nations came from inside. My legs silently shook as I quickly sneaked over to the living room, it made me sigh in relief when I saw that no one was in there. My vision was ever so slightly blurry as I made to the stairs. My hands weakly grasped the railings as I took each tired step upwards. It felt like centuries before I finally ended up in front of the familiar door with Russia and I's flags. I opened it and stumbled inside an over to my room, barely getting my boots off before I was thrown to the floor by heavy weights.

"Urgh... Not right now pups..." I whined weakly before escaping from under them. "Here" I opened the door and yawned. "Go explore for a bit and get to know the place, you should be able to quickly sniff out Hanatamago quickly. Just don't play too rough with Icy again" They excitedly wagged there tail and were gone out the door as soon as I whistled. My legs felt numb as I dragged myself to the bathroom and looked through the cabinet for my pills, then dryly swallowing them without water. I'm used to it.

_The dogs should be able to keep the others away until dinner_... I finally collapsed onto my bed an once again curled up into a ball like position, tears were once again intruding my eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am still crying over all the support
> 
> tak og rødgrød med fløde guys :')


	13. Chapter 10. Hit Med Øllen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to start da flashbacks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO sorry for the super late update! I went through probably the worst write-block AND art-block
> 
> So I tried to make this one extra long for you ;) I'll work on a new chapter for my new other fanfic "Deafening Silence" now

**This chapter will include themes of breakdowns, trauma and descriptions inspired by the author's personal experience and some of the content in this chapter might be distressing to some readers. Please exercise discretion if you are sensitive to these topics or seek out support of others or a professional assistance if any of this is hitting too close to home.**

**This fanfiction does or will eventually deal with such dark and disturbing themes. This message will be at the start of every one of such chapters.**

**Finland's POV**

Ice-kun's anxiety had started acting out a bit, so before his new boyfriend would notice and worry, Nor-kun, Ice-kun and I went to one of the tiny extra living rooms to wait until he can cool down. Of course Nor was as usual worrying over him and taking care of him... In his own way... I had already sent a text to Su-san where we were as he had gone out for some fresh air a while ago. Nevertheless, it was nice to have a second away from everyone, even if it has only been two days it's weird being around them every second. Hanatamago was here too of course, she's an essential family member and seems to have a calming affect on stressed people.

I don't want to sound rude or cruel but... Perhaps it's good that Denmark-san was off talking to America, not that I don't like him, but it'd be best if he wasn't stressing Ice right now. He's been more distant ever since we got here, it might just be a convenience that he's barely ever in the same room as us, he usually doesn't have it easy finding time to find ways to spend time with his other friends, but it's been happening more and more. I just hope he's having a good talk with his friend, with or without us.

It would've been nice if there had been some kind of warning before we played the tape, I'm definitely not letting Peter attend something like that ever again. Weirdly enough though, he didn't seem too faced other than a bit shocked and thought all the reading was boring. He'd rather play with Wy and it's much safer in my opinion. I knew none of us had great history but I didn't expect them to include all the gore. I can't help but be disturbed by the thought of my tape, it sounds humiliating in itself.

I snapped out of my thoughts because of the sound of... Thuds drawing closer? Hanatamago jumped down from next to Emil on the couch, looking towards the door curiously. I heard Ice screech when the door suddenly burst open and something ran towards my small poor dog... Oh wait, two Great Danes... Wait not just any Great Danes! But it seems like they were alone as their normal hyper owner didn't follow behind them, it was actually pretty cute how they loved Hanatamago so much- WAIT ICE IS TERRIFIED OF BIG DOGS

His screech stung through my ears as Bella had neared the poor 'teenager' while Charlie seemed too entertained with Hanatamago to pay any mind to him. "Bella, come here... Uh... Girl?" I tried to lure her over to me while Nor-san was hurrying over to stop the huge dog from scaring his brother AGAIN, who was backing up against the couch he was sitting in. Bella jumped up onto the couch in confusion of the cold reaction she was getting, but being just as stubborn as her owner she pushed her head under his hand in a forced pet and I held my breath as Ice froze in place... Before slowly starting to pet over Bella's fur, very much to our surprise... Well at least mine, but I've known Nor long enough to see the tiniest change in his eyes.

"Uhm..." Nor-san mumbled in his usual nonchalant tone. "Do you still want me to move her or...?"

"Actually... No"

"What? Really?"

"She's actually kinda cute"

I raised an eyebrow and chuckled before leaning back into the couch. "See Nor-san? Just like Ta said, he just needed to get used to them and it would be fine" Though I wasn't surprised to hear his usual scoff at any reason that the 'Stupid Dane' was even the slightest bit right and he had been wrong.

"Yeah well, it's usually a hazard to listen to what he says" He defended before sitting back down and protectively kept an eye on his 'little' brother. I wanted to say something about how it was unfair to talk like that when Ta-san wasn't even present... But I also felt that he was right, we do have our reasons to think so... But at least he's too happy for it to even mind it, right?

  
  
********

**Denmark's POV**

Well... Fuck. Just... Fuck.

This is exactly why I never let myself cry; I can never stop again, and the aftermath is even worse. It's pathetic and I'm pathetic. I can't even remember when someone last even saw a glimpse of me in this state except for... I avoid thinking back to that time like it's poison, not that it really isn't the worst time to. I ignore most of my past life, it isn't worth anything after all.

I've become so vulnerable, so fragile and yet I push myself to keep going. Well I'm forced to keep going, been there, done that and tried methods but yet I'm still stuck here and wasting air. People always seem to think every case of anxiety is the same, that they are just these paranoid people who freak out over small thing. What they don't realize is how it can feel like they're physically being drowned by their own thoughts, the absolutely WORST thing you can ask them is what they're thinking then, they don't even know themselves most of the time!

Hm... Drowning... The world is definitely trying to force me to think about it-

It also seems it always doesn't leave me be either, because that was definitely my phone vibrating from wherever it had ended up in between my duvet doing my freakout, so I 'accidentally' kicked that annoying thing off the side of the bed and onto the floor, hopefully there wasn't anyone in the room under me.

But I did need to get up and that was at least enough to help me push myself up into a sit, the back of my hand halfheartedly reaching up to wipe my eyes which almost felt sore and irritated. Over half of the time I look like such a mess, it's almost comedic how much money I've used on shitty products just to make myself look half presentable every hour... Alright fine just this once I won't avoid it.

~~~~

_I blindly stumbled out the backdoor being finally able to stop to breath after all the running and tried my best to not slip on the stone steps leading down towards the well with the ringing continuing to pain my hea, my eyes remaining covered by the painfully dry cloth my hand was tightly clutching onto in either pain or to stop shaking. I couldn't even tell. Finally I felt my knees hit the side of the stony well, dampness from the mist early that morning still remained and coldly soaked through my pants._

_The horrid smell of strong alcohol still kept burning my nostrils and my tightly closed eyes as I lowered the cloth from my face and blindly patted around until I finally felt it dip into the cold water, bringing it up to my face before I pressed it onto the incredibly stinging spot between my eyes. Slowly I wiped it over my hair, hopefully washing away most of the alcohol and broken glass shards until I was confident enough that I could open my eyes without hurting them._ _  
_

_ Fanden tage ham.  _

_I widened my eyes when I looked down at my reflection. A sideways cut ran across nose to a tiny bit under my right eye in an almost lightning shape, new blood started to drip back down my cheek and more came from a smaller gash over my eyebrow. Hopefully it wouldn't take long for the scars to disappear. I could see golden drops of alcohol remained dripping down my face too, but I gave up with cloth and leaned down to dip my forehead into the freezing cold water, pulling my sleeves up my black and blue bruise covered arms and use my hands to scoop water up over my head. The ringing was finally soothed as I cleaned myself. The cold breeze that suddenly blew over me felt like a mock from the world as I started to shiver coldly._

_But I knew not to dare to enter the house again before a while even if it started snowing like last time. Luckily Eira was still out playing in the village so I wouldn't have to worry about getting her out of there, wrapping my arms around myself I shakingly made my way down towards the stable that had started to half seem like a safe house ever since... Never mind. I opened the door ever so quietly as to not let it creek. I sat down and leaned into the stinging hay that barely brought any warmth. I nearly had a heart attack when I was nudged and whipped my head around to see what it was, sighing deeply when I realized that it was merely... Her old horse... It had of course only been a foal at the time that she generously insisted on caring for, it was now a large beautiful velvet spotted mare._

_"Hey girl..." I weakly whispered and ran my cold hand over her warm head. I had to admit, I had developed a weakness for it after I had caught Eira finding the comfort from it that she no longer could get from her. Quietly I drifted off to a sleep as the mare shared her warmth with me, being just as generous as her old rider._

_~~~~_

I took a sharp breath as I stood at my door, tearing myself from my own thoughts before opening it and walking out into the large hallway. Finding myself staring at all the different flags on the doors before finally heading towards the stairs with my phone in my hand.

**_ Awesome Group Chat [0 Notifications] _ **  


** <Me  **

Are ya'll done yet? Id literally murder someone 

for smirnoff rn tbh. I found some of the good 

stuff last night hidden behind the counter 

in the bar for you svagpissere ;)

Sent<

I yawned softly before I sneaked by the cafeteria and back to the bar, smiling when I saw that Gilbert and Alfred were playfully bickering again so all the sappy stuff was over and I could finally calm down again for a second.

"Hey i mærkelige stoddere" I chuckled and seemed to scare them for a second before they realized it was me.

Gilbert crossed his arms as I sat down next to him. "You're one to talk, you alcoholic. Came back for uz or tzhe beer eh?" He teased and to tease back I simply shrugged and reached over behind the counter, pulling up a bottle and popping it open with my thumb before bringing it up to my lips. "Why not both? Though we know Alfred can't handle more than two"

"Not true!" The American tried to defend himself as Gilbert grabbed two, handing one to him with his usual smug grin. "I just happen to drink responsibly! Especially compared to you two crazy Europeans"

"No szhame, god may never even forget tzhe time you went overboard wizth tequila and we found you tzhe next morning in my garden" The Prussian chuckled and took a large gulp.

I smiled when I saw Alfred's expression change to embarrassed as he managed to take a gulp. "You guys dared me! I accepted! Don't even get me started on all the weird places I've found you two. You're somehow worse than Francis when he's wine drunk!" _Touche... Gilbert once nearly fell off a roof..._

"Still, I'd take it over Tequila-Alfred hver dag" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would uh... Would uh you guys hate me if I uh... Used the same ship here as my uh new fanfic?...


	14. Chapter 1. Citrus Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New tapes. Mathias lives another day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SO SORRY FOR THE LATE UPDATES I HAD A LOT OF MEETINGS WITH PSYCHOLOGISTS BUT IM FINALLY BEING PRESCRIBED PROPER MEDS

**This chapter will include themes of war and toxic relationships along with descriptions of self harm and some of the content in this chapter might be distressing to some readers. Please exercise discretion if you are sensitive to these topics or seek out support of others or a professional assistance if any of this is hitting too close to home.**

**This fanfiction does or will eventually deal with such dark and disturbing themes. This message will be at t** **he start of every one of such chapters.**

**Denmark's POV**

New day new-... Pain?

I sat up straight only to wince as my arm strung incredibly, my gaze shooting down to my arm that was for whatever reason no longer covered in bandages. _Well one loosely remained_.I only now noticed the familiar blood soaking through it in patterns that looked like multiple lines made of countless drips of crimson. _Oh for fuck's_ \- I shakily pulled the loose bandage down my stinging wrist to reveal just how many there were this time. _And. What. The. Fuck._ How is it possible that it's when I'm drunk, disoriented and possibly not able to stand up straight, that I somehow end up doing worse things to myself than when I'm actually focused?

Turning my arm my forearm was somehow worse with all the other previous grim scars almost hidden under the new red and swollen cuts. _Cuts... That word always sounds so strict compared to the dark meaning, but at least it's better than the danish term. On a better statement, drunk-Køhler doesn't remember how to treat wounds for shit. Not to mention the fact that the rest of the bandages had been ripped off and laid soaked red on the floor like it was in fact used as a bad method of stopping most of the bleeding._

I scrunched up my nose in disgust when I pulled my duvet off me and looked down at my own body, when I dared to take off some clothes before bed I could never go beyond my over-sized grey t-shirt when it came to shirts. The whole history of my time on this godforsaken earth was told by the scars that covered my whole body from the neck down, wickedly making me lucky that all remains of any on my face had faded and the one single one that remained over my eyebrow just looked intentional.

One on my shin was from the... Stockholm Bloodbath. The most ugly ones on my back will always be there from my multiple experiences with the gruesome Blood-Eagle ritual. The stab scars on my left thigh were much more messier than the ones on my right which were clean and almost looked surgical, well probably because I put them there but that's another story. There was incredibly many running up both of my heels. 

I shook my head and got up from the bed, swaying for a quick second before balancing right. Just how much blood did I loose overnight. Stretching out my limbs with gross but satisfying cracks from my old shell of a body I stepped past the 'puppies' and into the bathroom, narrowing my eyes at the reflection in the mirror. _Fuck you, please die already_. 

After that usual step in the routine I halfheartedly slipped off my t-shirt and the surviving bandage and threw it quietly onto the coal black floor, and opened the cabinet that I had finally folded my clothes and put into. _Hmm hoodie, too sketchy... Classic shirt with tie, getting boring but not that anyone would care... Sweater, comfortable but will irritate my cuts... T-shirt, hell to the no... Tie_. I picked out the grayish blue one with a slight turtleneck and placed it beside the sink before taking off my boxers to shower. **Just how are you not throwing up right now, you're disgusting**. And there it is, can't say I missed it.

When I got out I took one of the fluffy white towels and ruffled my hair dry along with the rest of my body. I put on my clothes before leaving the bathroom to take a quick breather before I left. What other nations might not feel in this place like me is the same dread every morning growing heavier hour by hour and day by day. The dread that today, it's your tape and your turn for your life to just be spilled before the eyes of everyone and there's nothing you can do, you'll have no idea how long you have to remain trapped with everyone who thought they knew you afterwards or just how much pain it'll bring. 

I'm terrified. Nobody knows just how long I've lived. Gilbert doesn't know how I understand war like him. Alfred doesn't know how I manage to act positive. Lukas doesn't see how cruel he is. Tino doesn't know I know he only acts nice to me... And Berwald... Doesn't know... _Everything_.

Today is a gloomy day.

I took a deep breath before sneaking out into the hall, careful not to wake a certain Russian roommate, well if he was actually in his room at this time. _It's actually quite awkward how the two most different (difference that everyone sees) were put together in one room. They got the groups right except for us, maybe we were just... We're both the outsiders of our families... Huh._

My hand made a quiet squeaky sound as I ran it down the railing downstairs, my eye-sockets felt heavy in exhaustion and my arm of numbness. Though my hangover wasn't as horrible as usual, I probably only drank a high amount for mortal humans. Soon enough I made it to the huge living room and caught a quick glance at the tapes for today and could finally breathe.

****

** England and France **

****

Why didn't I expect that they would do the 'popular' nations first? _I could maybe use some coffee for breakfast and I did wake up earlier than my alarm_... I could take a walk out in that huge garden while everyone's still getting up and ready. Heading to the kitchen, I grabbed some coffee with a pinch of cinnamon in a paper cup before heading outside. The cup felt welcoming warm between my hands as I looked up at the sun, it was ever so damp and misty outside as I stepped down a path that led between the trees. Sparing a glance behind me I saw just a tiny bit of how huge the mansion actually was.

It was like two whole Nordic Ma-... Emil's mansion, I did leave it to him and the others as a sad gift after I made everything go to shreds. _We mostly just play happy family when around the other nations but after that I just go my own way so they can be happy without me to ruin it, that's my fault and I deserve it_. I took a sip when I arrived at a small stone circle filled and surrounded by beautiful and colorful flowers and plants of all type. It seemed peaceful.

But bleh, I can totally imagine Finny and Sve going to places like this on their many cheesy dates. Though I'm probably just jealous that with the way I am I'm simply just doomed to live out eternity alone and without love. That's who I really am, not this annoying little shit of 'sUnShInE'. 

Moving on, while I sipped on my coffee for a while I circled the pond that was placed in the middle of all the nature, white and velvet fish swam around and some even tried to hopelessly swim up the fountain that flowed beautifully from a tiny mountain-like stone in the corner. For a moment everything was quiet and wonderful while I slowly woke up completely. _Just for one quick moment, but I can never get used to it for too long_.

****

After I returned inside more people had started to roam and gather in the living room, perhaps I should take walks whenever shit hits the fan around here. Throwing out my cup, I stepped over to my seat and sat down with a yawn, gazing to my side to see what the brother bickering was going to be about this time- only to wince as an elbow stabbed right into my face with no mercy.

"Um OW?" I yelped when Norge just seemed to continue like he didn't just hit me when I haven't even done ANYTHING yet. " _Undskyld_ that I sat down in _my_ seat?" _Oh no why did I get salty-_

I let out a choke as Lukas grabbed my tie and carelessly pulled, must rougher than usual which made me want to retreat in realization. "Just shut up today you idiot, I'm far too trett to deal with you today" Everything always becomes my fault when he's in this _mood_. I screamed internally when I remembered that I was currently far too unstable for any disturbance to my throat.

  
I struggled gently as to not angry him more, but he had no chance of knowing just how desperate I actually was as the fabric cruelly tightened around my neck. _He wasn't even looking at me to make sure I wasn't seriously panicking_... **Am I really that easy to hate**?

Luckily just as my face was starting to turn blue Emil shot back something that must've offended the Norwegian seeing as he finally let go, it was my own little war to not heave and wheeze loudly as I rested my head in my crossed arms, half leaning my body onto the table. My throat felt tight but I took deep breaths and wiped any evidence of blood having escaped out my mouth away. _Lukas... I'm sorry..._

Just as my head was cleared of the high pitched ringing my attention was stolen by everyone quieting down, meaning we could finally start and I could finally soon get out of here. This would be pretty boring as I barely had any opinion on either England or France, I just knew that they were the strangest parental figures to Alfred and Matthew.

~~~~

_To put both tapes simply in one mix the two had an extremely complicated past. It was bittersweet that France was there for him from the very start, starting out as a simple nation friendship. Between all the war and family drama it was clear that at the start England was an old friend of Alfred and Matthew's mother before the two were even born, due to strict nation business at the time he barely saw the kids when they were old enough to remember him until the poor women was at his doorstep in the middle of the night, cold and alone. She explained the whole disappearing of the father and her state at the time. Taking time to think overnight France came over to have a long and deep conversation about it, also as comfort, not the side of the Frenchmen many people were even aware of. By morning they has made up their minds and both agreed that when they took in the two they would care for them deeply and take care of them everyday. That made them the first ever nations to intentionally 'adopt' another nation. France was sad however that he still had to travel away a lot since the brothers were living in England and he had business in his own country, however he still somehow held a much healthier relationship with them than they'd ever even wanted with their biological father. At nights where the Frenchmen would only be able to make it back to his family mere hours before sunset, however the Englishmen was there waiting every time. They would take long walks until the sun rose in the sky just to talk, just to reunite. That's probably where the spark started. Then they would just happily go home so France could reunite with the little nations. It was after WWII when it finally happened. It almost terrified England to the point of sickness when France had put up the white flag. They were both tired of hiding and when England tracked him down when it was over and full on kissed him, being quite the rare sight that they were both crying. Everyone knows how they live now._

_~~~~_

Wow, that was actually... Incredibly sweet. Even a genuine smiled slipped onto my face as everyone started to tease the two lovebirds. And now I could actually stay and listen to the 'secrets' which in this case was either sweet details or bittersweet experiences.

That's what happiness is?... Lucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This probably sucks as I have 0 experience on writing about these two (also its 2 am and im only half concious) Dx but thank you again to everyone keeping me motivated


End file.
